Jokes should be the part of the life and without these bad jokes, your humor is incomplete. According to a research, jokes make your health better and extend your life up to three years. So, the matter of the fact is that you must have to keep yourself young by cracking bad jokes to your friends and loved ones.
Here are some of the most hilarious and bad jokes, that will make your day for sure. So let’s get started.
51 Bad Jokes For You
So, obviously, the first joke should be for married people. LoL.
1- If you marry the right person. every day is a Valentine Day, marry the wrong person, every day is Martyr’s Day, marry a lazy person, every day is a Labor Day, marry a rich person, every day is a New Year’s Day, You marry an immature person, every day would seem like Children’s Day, Marry a cheater or a liar, every day will become April Fool’s Day. Don’t get married then every day is Independence Day.
2- Never marry a woman who’s won debate competitions.
3- Sometimes, I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
4- We are tired of looking for a job. If there is a job, please call us.
5- “I’m allergic to gluten, dairy, nuts and I ‘m a vegan. What can I get?”
Waiter: The fuck out of here.
6- An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An orange a day keeps the postman away. Basically, If you throw fruit at people they go away.
7- Do not disturb!!! I am already married.
8- “If you are good at something, never do it for free.”
Me: I will argue with anyone about anything.
9- Me: I’m so fat.
Friend: No you’re beautiful.
Me: I didn’t say I was ugly, I said, I was fat.
10- Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.
At the end of the day, you just have to ignore everything and click ” I Agree”.
11- A friend of mine said this to me today
Lean your head back, I need to pour face on your water
12- Daddy what’s a transvestite?
Ask Mommy, He knows.
13- So You’re interested in working with us?
Well, what’s your experience with mentally disturbed people?
I have been on facebook for 5 years now.
Okay good, the job is yours.
14- Child: – Dad, is google he or she?
Dad: – Surely she, because it doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting other ideas.
15- The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16- Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. -Mark Twain
17- Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
18- Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.
19- People have told me to never say never, they broke their own rule!
20- Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.
21- 3 Most Difficult Things to do in the world
1. You Can’t Count Your Hair
2. You Can’t wash your eyes With Soap
3. You Can’t breathe when your tongue is out.
Now Please Take your tongue back inside
You look like a dog.
22- When someone says “Can I ask you a question?” they didn’t really give you a choice.
23- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
24- My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He made those who buried him print on his tombstone: What are you looking at? -Margaret Smith
25- I hate it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person who looks good refuses to delete it.
26- Weather forecast for tonight: dark. -George Carl
27- When a girl cancels a date she cancels it because she has to…But when a boy cancels a date he cancels it because he has two.
28- Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, and you’ll end up in the hospital.
29- Practice makes perfect but then nobody is perfect so what’s the point of practicing?
30- A bus stops and two Asian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:”Emma (M) come first. Den I(i) come. Two asses(s), dey(they) come together. I(i) come again. Two asses(s), dey(they) come together again. I(i) come again and pee(p) twice. Then I(i) come once-a more. “You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country, we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!” Hey, cool down lady,” said the man. “I’m just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi.
31- Now I started remembering why I don’t remember anything! -Homer Simpson
32- I didn’t fall, the floor just needed a hug. 🤣🤣🤣😂😂
33- Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. -Ellen DeGeneres.
34- It takes patience to listen… It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
35- I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. – I like to help where I can.
36- A cannibal is invited to a teambuilding week in the mountains.
The instructions say he can also bring one friend.
But when he arrives, he brings ten people. The organizer is shocked: “Come on Alan, what the heck, the invitation said you can only bring one person!”
“Yeah, but it also said bring your own food, didn’t it?!”
37- Reporter interviews a man: “Sir, you’ve lived next to this highway for 20 years, do you feel that it has somehow influenced you?”
The man: “NOOooooo, NOOoooo,
38- One friend to another:
I really can’t believe that after all that enormous shit they are together again.
What? Who are you talking about?
My butt cheeks,
39- I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!
40- Three doctors are talking about death.
The first, a dentist, says, “When I die, I think I’d like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.”
“Hey,” adds the cardiologist, “that’s not a bad idea, I’d love my tombstone to be shaped
The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, “I think scattering of the ashes is my option.”
41- Two factory workers are talking
The woman says, ‘I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, ‘And how would you do that?”
The woman says, ‘Just wait and see.’ She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, ‘What are you doing?”
The woman replies, ‘I’m a light bulb.’
The boss then says, ‘You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, ‘Where are you going?”
The man says, ‘I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.’
42- Understanding A Girl:
This Is Like Downloading A 4GB File.
At The Speed Of 2kbps.
Which Ends Up…
In A Error At 99% Completed!
43-Wife: had ur lunch.?
Husband: had ur lunch.?
Wife: I m asking you
Husband: I m asking you
Wife: u copying me.?
Husband: u copying me?
Wife: let’s go shopping
Husband: Yes I had my lunch.
44- Pessimist:”Things just can’t get any worse. Optimist:”Nah!!Of course, they can!”
45- I went to a restaurant once.And then, I felt I needed to fart.The music was really really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music.After just a few songs, I started to feel better.I finished my coffee and noticed that everybody was staring at me. It is when I realized I was listening to my iPod.
46- Two flies are sitting on a pile of a dog poop.One fly starts telling a joke.The other one[angrily]:”OMG, stop that disgusting joke right now!can’t you see I am eating?”
47- Doctor: did you come to see me with an eye problem? Patient: wow!how did you know? Doctor: because you came in through the window instead of the door.
48- Two elephants met a completely naked guy.After a while, one elephant says to the other:”I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing.”
49- When I see lovers’ names carved on trees, I don’t think it’s sweet.I just think it’s surprising how people can go on a date with a knife. 🙂 😉
50- I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow.When I woke up, my pillow was gone
51- A: Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
52- How can we keep our school clean?
Me: By Staying at home.
53- Most Wonderful News in School Life??
“Teacher is Absent”.
54- Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage?
A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener.
55- Do you know?Barack Obama was born on his birthday.
56- Calories are tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.
57- Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.
58- I googled “Rorshach test.”But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.
59- So I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my apartment.Looking around, it seemed like they didn’t really take a whole lot. My TV was still there, my PS4, and my legos were fine. But the apartment was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only things that were taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps…I was delighted.
60- Son: Where are my sunglasses? Dad: I don’t know…where are my dad glasses?
61- The Sky is the limit!!! Then go there.
62- What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe? Kilometry Cyprus.
63- RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
– Why are fish ugly?
– Because they’re created in water.
65- Dad, can you help me with my math?
What do you need help with?
I’m supposed to find the common denominator…
What the hell, you still haven’t found it? We were looking for that too when I was in school.
66- Today, I was so bored, I saw an ant in my kitchen and I placed few sugar cubes in front of her. She had few and went to tell her friends and I quickly hide the sugar cubes because I wanted them to think she is a liar.
67- I sit in classroom for attendance, then i go home and teach myself.
68- “Dad, why my sister’s name Rose?”
“Because, your mother loves roses.”
“Good to know. Thanks, Dad”
“No problem Nvidia GTX 1080 Graphics Card”
69- “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live”.
70- If you bump into someone you haven’t seen in last seven years, every cell has been replaced and there is a new someone entirely. You don’t have to say Hi…
71- I don’t care what people think of me. Atleast mosquitoes find me attractive.
72- I named my dog “5 miles” so I can tell people I walk 5 miles a day.
So, I hope you enjoyed our super compilation of bad jokes. Keep visiting Jokes Company, and rehydrate yourself with some of the craziest bad jokes.