Funny Dirty Jokes

35 Funniest Dirty Jokes You Should Share With Friends

Without something dirty, jokes are incomplete. Honestly, this is not my words but this thing is very much true. Keeping that in mind, we have compiled a list of dirty jokes that will surely lift your mood.  To be honest, dirty jokes reflect your humor level and it really impacts on your lifestyle. So be ready for some of the most naughty and dirty jokes that are hard to find on the internet.

Here is a special treat for you as well. Check our best collection of Yo Mama Jokes as well.

Dirty Jokes

35 Funniest Dirty Jokes

Here are the best dirty jokes for you. Apart from that get the funniest bad jokes from here as well.

Wanna Hear Dirty Jokes?

1- I was trying to be healthy but then somewhat brought doughnuts.
2- What do you call a Chinese Doughnut?

Tai Nee 

3- Why do they sell bras at Walmart?

I appear to be only wearing one when I am in the store.

4-A man is having problems with his manhood, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, “Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years. Your thingie is burned out. You can only have sex 30 times more.”

The man walks home, deeply depressed.His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him.She says, “Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldn’t waste that! We should make a list!”

He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn’t on it.”

5- The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks, she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn’t get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. “Now look,” the doctor said, “the only way you’re going to get it up is to say “beep,” and then to get it soft again, you say, “beep, beep.”

“How marvelous,” the old man said.”Yes, but I must warn you,” the doctor said,” it’s only going to work three times before you die.”

On his way home, the man decided he wasn’t going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. “Beep!” he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said, “beep, beep,” and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went “beep,” and the car in the opposite lane responded with “beep beep.”Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to “speed it up.” He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. “Honey,” he shouted at her, “don’t ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hop into bed.” Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, “beep,” and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said, “What’s all this “beep beep” crap?”

6- Husband: I want a divorce. Wife hasn’t spoken to me in six months.

Friend: Better think it through. Women like that are hard to find.

7- A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they’re sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while, he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar — A salt shaker, a shot of Bailey’s, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

“First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.” So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue — salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys – smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks – this is OK.

Finally, he picks up the lime juice and drinks it …. In one second the sharp lime taste hits… …. At two seconds the Baileys curdles …. At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,

“Jesus, what do you call that drink?”

She smiles widely at him and says,

“B-J Revenge.”

Funny Dirty Jokes

8- Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary.

One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.

The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.

So she leaves and a few moments later the lady comes back wearing a brassiere tied to her head. And it is abundantly obvious from the bouncing and giggling where the brassiere came from.

The shocked priest says, “Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a brassiere.”

“But Father, I have a divine ‘Right’,” she informs.

“Yes, I see…. And your ‘Left’ one isn’t bad either, but you still cannot enter the church like that!”

9- A woman bought a mirror from an antique store near her home. She placed it on the bathroom door.

One day when she got out the shower she decided to have a laugh.She says to the mirror: “Mirror mirror on my door makes my bustline 44” there was a great flash of light and when she looked her breasts they were size 44.

She ran down the stairs excitedly to tell her husband.

Then her husband ran up the stairs crossed his fingers and said to the mirror: “Mirror mirror on my door make my peter touch the floor.”

Well again there was the flash of light and his legs dropped off.”

10- The 64-year-old husband said “mirror mirror on the wall make my wife 30 years younger than me” great big flash and the husband is 80 years old
11- The waitress was tired of this one man always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan.

“I’ll tell you what, Lover. I’ll share a bed with you on two conditions.

First, it’ll cost you 100 bucks.

Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash.”

He smiled, handed her $100 and led her over to the pinball machine.

12- A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

“Charles, you know that fur coat you promised me and never bought? Well, I bought it with the insurance money.”

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes and then said, “Charles, remember that new car you promised me and never bought? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “Charles, that emerald necklace you promised me and never bought? Well, I bought it too, with the insurance money!”

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, Charles, remember that ‘BJ’ I promised you? …….. Well, here it comes!”

12- Can February March?

No, But April May

13-  Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day, “Why don’t you just swim around like us?”

Bob replied, with a smirk, “well, when the time comes, I’m gonna be the first one there”.

The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn’t. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.

The others asked him why he turned around and he said, “back up boys, it’s a BJ!”

14- A friend was spending the night with a married couple in their apartment. Since they didn’t have a couch, they let him share their bed with them.

Once they all went to bed and the husband fell asleep, the wife whispered in the guy’s ear, “Pull a hair from my husband’s crack; if he is asleep we can have sex.”

The guy pulled a hair from the husband’s crack, and he didn’t wake up, so the guy proceeded to make it with the wife. Not satisfied, the wife told him to do it a second, then a third time, which he happily did.

Finally, the husband rolled over and said wearily, “It’s bad enough that you’re having sex with my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my asscrack as a scoreboard?” ( well, I think this is one hell of dirty jokes.

Recommended: Most Funny Blonde Jokes

15- George looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred’s wife while she sunbathed topless.

The next day, George corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, “I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday.” Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told George he planned revenge.

That very evening, Fred noticed that George’s bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he notices George’s wife in the act of performing ‘oral’.

The very next day Fred calls out to George, “Hey, George, I saw your wife going down on you last night.”

George laughed. “Ha ha ha! Liar! I wasn’t even home last night.”

16- They always ask at the Doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk….

The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today??”

“There’s something wrong with my peter”, he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes??”

There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??”

“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

17- A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. “Now we will be able to have three people doing eight-hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.

Soon the couple on the ground is placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no sex!”

They yell back, “We’re not screwing!” A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no sex!”

Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!” Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no sex!”

They yell back, “We’re not screw-ing!” Eventually, the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here, it DOES look like they’re having sex.”(that truly represents dirty jokes for sure)

Bad Dirty Jokes

18- A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?”, asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s chest.”

Taking the advice, he takes a swing and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes to her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”

“What can I do?” asks the wife.

“Hold the golf club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s genitals.”

The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP — the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

“You know, that was a lot better than I expected,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold the club in your hands….”

19- Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “Well, Bubba had two a**holes.”

“What? He had two a**holes?” asked the mortician.

Yup, I’ve never seen ’em, but everyone knew he had two a**holes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two a**holes!”

20- A man goes into a bar and see’s a sign that says $200 if you can make the horse laugh! So the guy goes over to the bartender and says I can make the horse laugh.

The bartender says go ahead, the guy walks over to the horse and whispers in his ear the horse starts laughing hysterically.

The guy goes over to the bartender to get his money and the bartender says I bet you this $200 plus $400 more that you can’t make the horse cry, the guy says alright you’re on. He walks back over to the horse well the bartender turns around for a second and when he turns back around the horse is crying.

So he says to the guy before I give you this money I gotta know, how did you make the horse laugh? The guy said I told him my manhood was bigger than his. The bartender say well how did you make him cry?

The guy says I proved it.

My favorite Dirty Jokes

21- A guy with a 25-inch p*nis went to a doctor and said, “I can’t live with this pe*nis anymore! It’s too long.”The doctor replied, “I can’t do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you.”

So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor.

The witch doctor said, “Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She’ll say “No”, and you’ll lose 5 inches off your member!”

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,
“Will you marry me?”

“No!”, she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!

The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much.

So he asked the frog again, “Will you marry me?”

The frog said, “No!” And the guy lost another 5 inches.

He thought, Good, 15 inches is great, but 10 inches would just be perfect. So he asked, “Will you marry me?”

And the frog said, “How many times do I have to tell you……… ..NO! NO! NO!”

22- Two whales are swimming in the ocean when they saw a whaling ship in the distance, the male whale realizes that it’s the same one that killed his parents so he turns to the female whale and asks if she’ll help him get his revenge.

She’s a little apprehensive but finally agreed, both gone to either side of the boat and start to blow through their blowholes, rocking the boat until it capsizes.

The male whale starts to eat all the sailors when & notices the female whale swimming away. He followed and asked, ‘Where are you going?’

To which she replied, ‘Listen, I agreed to the blow- job, but if you think I’m swallowing any seamen you’ve got another thing coming!’

23- A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollars “pay” she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.”

My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those a—oles at Home Depot ever deliver the f****** sheet rock…”

Recommended: Kid Jokes For you

24- John was looking for a little “action.” He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.

Little did he know that she was darn near insatiable.

After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.

After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out, he stepped into the men’s room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn’t find his genitals.

After a few seconds of fishing around, he finally said, “Look, come out, it’s okay. She’s not here!”

25- After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a standstill in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep.

Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.

“He’s never in the mood,” complained the Bride.

“Try a romantic candlelight dinner,” suggested the therapist.

The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. “He’s still not in the mood,” she complained.

“This time,” the therapist recommended, “Try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom.”

But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood.

As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, “You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance.”

The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. “Thank you so much,” she said to the therapist. “Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightning storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time.”

“Making love in a lightning storm put him in the mood?” asked the therapist.

“Well,” said the Bride of Frankenstein, “I tied a kite to his p*nis.”(Dirty jokes of the day)

dirty jokes

26- A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guidowas relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, “You finish?”

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, “No.”

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again,

“You finish?”

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, “No, I am Norwegian.”

27-A rich older man was married to a sexy younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should restrain sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs and wife upstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn’t worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife half-way on the staircase and said, “I was coming up to die.”

She laughed and replied, “I was just coming down to kill you!”

28- A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a “more humane” solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males Castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

This was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Growers Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain’t f*****’ our sheep – they’re eatin’ ’em”.

29- A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

“I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”

“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder.

“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”

“Is that when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior again.

“Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.

“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the Squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Finally, Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the f*****g putt, didn’t you?”

30- Tillie and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Tillie’s mother to pass away first because she didn’t approve of Chester. Back in those days, there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Tillie were both still virgins.

Needless to say, Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Tillie was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Tillie to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is just shy, he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.

When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as her satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.

In the meantime, Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mother’s. It is hanging there down to her belly button; gravity has taken its course over some sixty years.

He notices her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more.

Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Tillie is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart.

With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, Chester, I have acute angina.”

Chester says, “I hope so, ‘cuz you’ve sure got ugly ta-tas!”( one of the best dirty jokes)

31- The blind daters had really hit it off.

At the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, Mike said:

“Before we go any further, Cindy, tell me – do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?”

“As a matter of fact,” smiled Cindy, “I do happen to have a foot fetish.

But I suppose I’d settle for maybe seven or eight inches.”

32- John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an a–hole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, F— him!” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

33-The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak…

Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here yesterday.

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men’s underwear.

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And it has been used!

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!

1 nun: Oh, No!

99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!…

34- “Doctor, I can’t find a comfortable position to sit.” The doctor examined Harry and said, “I’m not surprised that you’re having trouble sitting; you have a good case of hemorrhoids.”

He then gave Harry a supply of suppositories, and told him, “Go home now, and use one of these each morning and one at night until they’re gone. Then come back and we’ll see how you are.

“Harry went home, and in a couple of weeks returned, still complaining of hemorrhoids.

“Well, ” said the doctor, “Did you use all of the suppositories?”

“Yes, I did,” said Harry. “I took one every morning and every night as you instructed, even though they were pretty hard to swallow.” “For all the good they did me, I might just as well have shoved them up my behind!”

So this is our compilation of dirty jokes and riddles for you so that you can enjoy fully. Moreover, you can also find some of the funniest bad jokes, blonde jokes, yo mama jokes, kid jokes, English jokes, knock knock jokes, clean jokes, corny jokes, and many other from Jokes Company.

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