Well, when it comes to the jokes, Lawyer jokes are certainly one of the best ones. With these funny lawyer jokes, you can certainly troll your lawyer friends in a big way.
So, get the best lawyer jokes, puns, riddles and one-liners from us. Not only that but also lawyer quotes and stories are also present here. So, check this out.
Funny Lawyer Jokes
Here are some of the funniest lawyer jokes and riddles for you.
was filling out a job application when he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” He answered, “No.”
The next question, intended for applicants who had answered, “Yes,” was “Why?” The lawyer answered it, Never got caught.”
“Q: Why is there no gold at the end of the rainbow?
A: The Lawyer took it and sold it to Cash4Gold”
“Why did a lawyer bring lipstick and eyeshadow to court?
She had to make-up the facts!”
“How many lawyer jokes are there? One, the rest are true stories.
THOMAS F. SHUBNELL, Greatest Jokes of the Century”
“Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.
JEREMY BENTHAM, The Canadian Bar Journal, Jun. 1966″
“How many lawyers can you put on the head of a pin?
. . . Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.”
Lawyer Joke Of The Day:
Apartt from all these lawyer jokes, this one is the lawyer joke of the day for me.
“When the law is against you, argue the facts. When the facts are against you, argue the law. When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.”
“When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.”
Best Deez Nuts Jokes
“A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.”
“One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don’t have no money for food,” the first man replied.
“Then you must come with me to my house,” insisted the lawyer.
“But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here,” said the man.
“Bring them along!” replied the lawyer.
The second man exclaimed, “I got a wife and six kids!”
“Bring them as well!”, the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.
They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “I’m most happy to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall.” “
“The District Attorney was approaching the Suwanee River when he noticed a sign, “Caribbean Cruise–$99.00”. He stopped and bought a ticket, whereupon the salesman hit him on the head, wrapped him in a rug and threw him in the river.
The Public Defender noticed the same sign. He too bought a ticket, got hit on the head, wrapped in a rug and tossed in the river.
The Public Defender awoke and called out to the State’s Attorney, “Do they serve drinks on this cruise?”
The District Attorney replied They didn’t last year!”
More Funny Lawyer Jokes and Stories
Here are some of the most exciting lawyer jokes and stories for you.
“The funeral procession included two hearses and a man walking a dog. Several hundred people followed the man.
Curious, a pedestrian approached the man. “The first hearse carries my ex-wife’s lawyer,” the man explained. “My dog bit him and he died two days later. The second hearse has a lawyer who opposed me in some business litigation. He met the same fate.”
The pedestrian thought for a moment, then asked, “Could I borrow your dog.?”
“Okay be me, but you’re going to have to wait your turn like these other people.” “
Best Ginger Jokes
“When you file a PIL(Public Interest Litigation) which doesn’t work in your favor, what do you become? A PILGRIM”
“A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas.
The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.
An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his hometown.
On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber.
The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table.
The time was right to make a move.
The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: “You are under arrest.
I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I’ll let you live.
If you don’t, I’ll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive.”
But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish.
As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer.
He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them.
The ranger said: “Tell him that if he doesn’t tell me where the loot is, I’ll shoot him here and now.”
Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it – if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man.
Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town.
“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered: “He said, ‘You don’t have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.” “
“Having just learned about the death of one of the supreme court justices, a successful and well-connected attorney immediately calls the White House and asks for the President. “Its 3 am,” the staff member replied. “Are you sure this is an emergency?” “Yes,” the attorney replied. “It’s extremely important.” Shortly after the President answers and asks, “So what is this all about?” Our well-connected friend replies, “I just learned that one of the Supreme Court Justices has passed away. I wanted to be the first to reach you and say that I want to take his place!” The President paused and then said, “Hmm, its 3 am you know? But I think is OK with me. We just need to make sure the mortuary is OK with it.” “
“A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O’Leary’s cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman’s worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.”
Funny Poop Jokes & One-Liners
“A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O’Leary’s cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman’s worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.”
“A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!” The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, “Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re a lawyer!” “
“One day in Contract Law class, the professor asked one of his better students, “Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”
The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”
The professor was livid. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”
The student then recited, “Okay, I’d tell him, ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…” “
So. these are the best lawyer jokes and puns we have compiled for you after a lot of hard work. We hope you have liked it. For more jokes, visit JokesCompany.com